FOUR PAPERS DOWN!!!!!!!!!

A wait-and-see situation again, not very hopeful from the way I see things. Time heals all wounds. That's what everyone says. But in reality, it merely forms layers and layers of protection above old wounds. Just a stupid incident, or words, or a simple misunderstanding is enough to rip away those layers and reveal that large ugly gash. All those happy days come collapsing. It's back to freaking. Square. One. Again.

This has been on my mind for quite some time. What does a healthy relationship consist of? Is it the way two people give love and trust to each other regardless of how bleak things seem to be, being there regardless of each other's insecurities and fears and troubles without running away or being angry and upset? Telling each other everything is fine just as long as they are together. Or is it the way two people trust each other to be there no matter how tiring life is or how bad their arguments are?

Can compromise solve everything? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. I don't like to deal with this, but I have to embrace everything that comes with love. Happiness, unhappiness, anger. Harsh words which make you feel like you have been trusting the wrong person.

Before I drifted off to sleep last night I thought of our happy times. It is heartwarming. And those are times when I thought is it even possible to be that happy? Those were rare and I wanted time to stop there and then. For my life to stop then because it is enough. The way I felt was enough. And that soon came with equal parts fear, that it will be thwarted by this. The Unhappy Past.

Thoughts that I've been running away from for far too long

Those thoughts come and go and I try to suppress them. I can be happy, we can be happy, that's what I tell myself. But there are the gaps in between, those moments of doubt which destroys everything. I want to hurt you in the worse way possible for this, that. But it is wrong. It is wrong and selfish and I will never do it. The only thing left to do is to let those thoughts penetrate me fully. To talk about it in all honesty without running away Only not tonight

It's too easy to pretend

Two postcards came in the mail yesterday (one a belated birthday card); I love receiving things in the mail :> On a side note, I made rice balls this morning for breakfast (and possibly lunch) just to break out of my daily cycle, because life is getting terribly mundane with all the studying and staying home.

Feeling this compulsive urge to snack on chocolates whenever I hit the books hm

Sipping poison

These thoughts are slowly poisoning my brain, eating me up from inside. I wish I could be more sure about everything, but certainty isn't in the equation. Lies and the truth, divided by such a thin, invisible line.

I am so happy that it's scaring me. But I will treasure these moments as they come, cup them in my palms and never ever let them go.

What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

April

In the month of April, I resolve to
1. Be happier at least :> :> :>
2. Study harder (!); finals will be here in twenty days
3. Not think so much about the past and look towards the future

April, please be kind to me!

Some words, some feelings, have to be buried deep deep inside

I think too much about happiness and unhappiness and how they coexist and inevitably merge. How someone worth keeping is one who is willing to go through this with you - happiness sadness anger euphoria. I googled what 'euphoria' is and it seems like a highly unlikely human emotion, well at least to me

We're all lonely for something we don't know what we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?
David Foster Wallace

Three birthday parties in two weeks - am glad that there is none left this month, and for the months of April and May. It's somewhat awkward to see people I (used to) know, and not knowing what to do with them because they flit out of my life as fast as they flitted in; but it was nice seeing them again, all grown up after shedding the dreadful uniform. The best part was having fun talking gossiping going crazy with my crazy friends :>

I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore

//I think it's very foolish of me to give myself away to a person who does not think I'm deserving of the best from him. How can this be love when you do not want to try your hardest, fight furiously and give everything but instead think of protecting yourself from me all the time? I am trying and I am tired.

Those words always hurt, no matter how many times you have said them

We are just buying time

I am broken pieces unable to be reconciled and they no longer fit and crumble at the slightest touch. I am looking in from the outside and you are brimming with completeness and I just do not fit inside of you and you make space but it does not work anymore. You are shining and brilliant like the brightest star in the sky and I dim beside you and you can't see me. I try to pick pieces left behind and they prick and hurt me and that's all I have right now and maybe this is the way it is

Like floating bubbles they are so hard to grasp and they pop and burst in your palms; they come and engulf you in a shock of emotion then leave when you gasp for air. They are the smell of coffee when you're upset and the touch of someone and the feeling of rain on skin and the blistering glare of the sun. They bind us together all of us and where will we be, who will we be when memories are no longer there to tie us down to each other.

Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

Exhausted - in a way which weighs down my whole self and fogs up my mind and I can't see clearly anymore

//Yesterday was a jumble of good food and laughter and fitting together in a way only old friends can. Thank you (JJM) for the great company.

I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasures of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I'm in love with you.

The Fault in our Stars by John Green

Late night bus rides

I'm so scared that I can't make you happy enough, and you'll leave me again. I'm so scared of caring too much, or making you mine again, because I'm afraid of chasing you away. Do you know this feeling, this happiness when I'm with you but this reluctance to let you go, because I'll never know when you're only pretending that everything is okay, that you're happy, but you'll leave me out of the blue again, just like that previous time. Do you know this fear of losing you is so immense, I'm willing to cut up myself just to make you happy, until all that's left are broken pieces of myself I don't recognise anymore? That's how I'm feeling right now. You said that you're confused, but do you know that I can see your love for me as clear as day?

This fear of losing you is so overpowering, that I don't really know how to be myself anymore.

Where does a thought go when it's forgotten?
Sigmund Freud

I've honestly thought about this question before, or rather, where do thoughts come from? But I haven't found an answer up till now.

//

I'm still feeling scared now though. When I think about you leaving I get this sinking feeling and my chest feels suffocated and it's painful.

Truce?

You were my best friend and my love. In a sense, you were my greatest freedom. Thoughts, actions, words, I don't have to pretend in front of you. That is why, pretending that everything is fine just doesn't sound right. I want to cry and laugh and talk through our problems in complete honesty with you; I want to have you by my side to tell me that everything is okay when we fight, and hug me when I'm feeling lost like now. I want you by my side now. Truce?

Be brave/ stay strong/ don't be afraid

In a way, I've slowly learned how to live with this pain. It is a part of me now, and I can be happy too

Too late

I regret not cherishing us enough when we were together, and taking your love for granted. I regret flaring up over every small thing, and always assuming that you will be here for me no matter what. I regret not holding on tightly enough, when you gave me so many second chances. I regret feeling jealous, and possessive and hateful, and most of all I regret distrusting you, giving you so much hurt. If I could turn back time, I will trust you with the whole of myself like you trusted me. But I do not regret giving my heart and my love to you. I do not regret all the time spent with you, all the effort it takes to stay together. I do not regret all the smiles and tears, and I don't regret we were once so close, but so far now. I still miss you and I don't want to give up on us, but I think it's time to move on.

A song, a picture, that smell - it takes so little to break down the walls I've built. So many memories, I'm so scared of forgetting and being forgotten.

Liar

I am lonely and I am tired (of waiting?). Last night I thought I finally found closure - I've finally accepted this state of things and I kept myself busy and I refused to think about you. However, all that suppressed emotions came rushing back once I was alone.

Stop thinking too much

Carry on with life, carry you in my heart until the day we're ready

Just stop

March is here

Nowadays I can feel your presence in everything I do, everywhere I go. It's this kind of closeness that I've lost someway along our past, and now that it's back I don't know what to do. I guess it's a kind of comfort.

There's this constant ache in my chest which I feel whenever I think about you, us. It breaks me down and I lose all functionality. I think of nothing except you, us and what could have been. But this love I have for you, I'm going to learn to keep it deep down in my heart. Pain level 6 now

I only ask for the strength to carry on, and for a heart brave enough to accept what may come

Some feelings you keep in a box deep inside because there are no words left for them. I hate this disappointing, sinking feeling I keep having. I'm the one at fault this time, and me saying sorry a million times won't change things. I don't want to be angry or upset at you anymore. But I don't know why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

I hope this will work out

Pain level 8

The tears came fast this morning, when I awoke suddenly from sleep and immediately thought of you - whom I could call up on insomniac nights and whom I thought of before I slept and after I woke. I guess I am still in denial, and feeling numb, except for the gaping hole where my heart used to be. Maybe this is the only way to save yourself, and you can do whatever makes you happy. I'm sorry you had to give up on us this way.

You

To you, who had been so kindly to me:

I'm sorry for our future, once so vivid in our heads, no unable to take form. I'm sorry for my heart, that even I had loved you so hard and so fiercely, you kept running away from me. I'm sorry for not being the one that you expected, when you first fell for me. I'm sorry for myself, who woke up at 4 am thinking of you and crying so hard that I can't open my eyes. Most of all, I'm sorry for me, who lost her best friend and person she loved most in the world. I'm sorry that I can't make you stay, no matter how hard I beg you. But thank you for this life lesson, for teaching me to guard my heart again, and never let it get beaten and bruised. Thank you for your love, and for being kind and patient towards me. Thank you for making happy the past seventeen months, and for letting me know there is much to learn in growing up.

If anybody is reading this, please direct him here, for this is what I want to very much tell him, but no longer have the courage to do so. And yes, loss tastes like salt, and of mucus and this gaping hole in your heart when you realize once again, you're alone on this vast world when once you were part of a pair.

I draw your face out from the faces of strangers everywhere I go; is this love I wonder?

Plans in action

It's good to make plans that you can look forward to. I know it's a good six months away but I can't help feeling all excited at the thought of it. It will help me through awful mornings and crazy days and tired nights like these.

Feel like grabbing a beer, sitting by the SOTA steps and people-watching, while talking about everything and anything AND/OR grabbing a beer, chilling anywhere

This year, I will try to be a happier person.