FOUR PAPERS DOWN!!!!!!!!!

A wait-and-see situation again, not very hopeful from the way I see things. Time heals all wounds. That's what everyone says. But in reality, it merely forms layers and layers of protection above old wounds. Just a stupid incident, or words, or a simple misunderstanding is enough to rip away those layers and reveal that large ugly gash. All those happy days come collapsing. It's back to freaking. Square. One. Again.

This has been on my mind for quite some time. What does a healthy relationship consist of? Is it the way two people give love and trust to each other regardless of how bleak things seem to be, being there regardless of each other's insecurities and fears and troubles without running away or being angry and upset? Telling each other everything is fine just as long as they are together. Or is it the way two people trust each other to be there no matter how tiring life is or how bad their arguments are?

Can compromise solve everything? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. I don't like to deal with this, but I have to embrace everything that comes with love. Happiness, unhappiness, anger. Harsh words which make you feel like you have been trusting the wrong person.

Before I drifted off to sleep last night I thought of our happy times. It is heartwarming. And those are times when I thought is it even possible to be that happy? Those were rare and I wanted time to stop there and then. For my life to stop then because it is enough. The way I felt was enough. And that soon came with equal parts fear, that it will be thwarted by this. The Unhappy Past.

Thoughts that I've been running away from for far too long

Those thoughts come and go and I try to suppress them. I can be happy, we can be happy, that's what I tell myself. But there are the gaps in between, those moments of doubt which destroys everything. I want to hurt you in the worse way possible for this, that. But it is wrong. It is wrong and selfish and I will never do it. The only thing left to do is to let those thoughts penetrate me fully. To talk about it in all honesty without running away Only not tonight

It's too easy to pretend

Two postcards came in the mail yesterday (one a belated birthday card); I love receiving things in the mail :> On a side note, I made rice balls this morning for breakfast (and possibly lunch) just to break out of my daily cycle, because life is getting terribly mundane with all the studying and staying home.

Feeling this compulsive urge to snack on chocolates whenever I hit the books hm

Sipping poison

These thoughts are slowly poisoning my brain, eating me up from inside. I wish I could be more sure about everything, but certainty isn't in the equation. Lies and the truth, divided by such a thin, invisible line.