In a nutshell

I remember heading to DD's house for some mahjong right after exams ended, and playing for ten hours straight. I remember DD, Hoe, me and our Genting trip early December. I remember working at the Expo (again) and quitting because of all the drama, then slacking at home and playing Pokemon; N's 21st and post-party drinks @ Red Dot; playing badminton with DD; a wild and crazy k session followed by the crazy drinking session at N's house; catching up with all my friends (JJMV, and my primary school friends). Christmas was well-spent with both mine and DD's families, and we counted down at Red Dot with fake snow, beer and good food plus music. Today was k and a surprise visit to J's house with LX. The coming week seems packed with activities too but I rather stay busy. It's a good but tired kind of busy.

Delusional

That moment, after you had half a pint too much and your head starts spinning controllably. You babble, and don't know if you're trying to hold a conversation or having a brutally honest monologue. It takes so much to speak, and you're not making any sense, when you know you are. I'm in half-like for moments like this.

Trust me

Trust is a very scary thing. It's so fragile, and it can't be taken back after you give it away. I don't know what to do now. My head is a mess and a swirl of thoughts and I just want to crawl under my covers and hide from you. I want to trust you, but I want my trust back. Can I have a refund please?

I don't have a human heart anymore

"I don't know if I can go back to him. He loves me. Bill, he loves me so much it hurts to even think about it. But I don't love him the same. I think if I were still human, I would. I know that I... I would. But I don't have a human heart anymore."

The feeling is mutual

So many feelings attached to a phrase, so many thoughts. It used to mean something, but now it belongs to somebody else. To know that there is another soul on this vast planet who cares for you, loves you, it's a pretty magical feeling. It keeps you going, even when you're so tired. Even when you can hardly breathe.

Inner peace

I am very good at making the people around me upset. Am I such an unhappy person that it spreads to everyone around me? It's been a long time since I cheered anyone up.

We are all alone in this world

No matter who you have - friends, family, or even someone you love - ultimately you're all alone in this world. It just hit me in this moment, with the lightning flashing in my face and thunder booming outside.. When you're sad who will you let to carry your tears away, or if you're happy who will truly be happy for you? Who will share your thoughts, and make sure you never feel lonely again?

I guess this is it. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

My dream is to fly like a bird without legs. My nature is to stay put and tie myself down to everything, even hopeless things.

I really hate this feeling. Feeling so disappointed and frustrated and knowing maybe this isn't exactly forever. Hating that somehow, I know that maybe this will lead to something bigger, something drastic. I'm so unhappy now.

Some random needs/wants: black stockings, frilly tops, gold nail polish, a wicked smile, and the strength to face the next two weeks.

I need to remember that I don't have enough time for myself, and to stop giving you all that's remaining - what I need to breathe and remind myself that I'm alive.

Eleven

My bag was in your seat, and you were sitting by the steps. I haven't seen you or met you yet. We had to play some games, part of the cliche getting-to-know-everyone part. You probably forgot this, but you were sitting next to me. We introduced ourselves. Thi Ha, I couldn't catch it at first. You had a funny name, but I remembered it because it was printed on your sleeve. When we returned, I took my bag off your seat and asked if you wanted to sit next to me. You said yes. That was our first encounter.

Happy eleventh month :>>>

Remember

I don't know where that feeling went - I must have misplaced it somewhere in my heart.

I guess loneliness is a feeling you cannot avoid even with people you love around you, and I know that loneliness is a huge gaping hole in your heart which cannot be filled by countless tears or hugs or kind smiles.

May

May is almost over - almost a month since exams ended. I don't have much to write about anymore, except for my experiences, people I've met up with, life in general. Spent some magical time at Sentosa, met up with old friends, worked my ass off (and am very grateful for YR and DD who were with me), tried making some brownies. Yesterday I happened to see someone I used to know, and she reminded me of the self who existed a few years back.

We were fighting a lot lately, and I kept questioning myself, us, you. Maybe they were signs pointing us in the right direction, somewhere we could no longer see after taking us for granted. You said that some fights serve to strengthen, others leave a scar so deep it takes time to get used to each other again. Maybe you are right. In my mind, you are always here. I can no longer imagine myself without you. It is quite a sad thought.

Dear fairy, I want to make more happy memories with you.

Recount

It's good to relive the past, once in a while. It shows that what you did was worth remembering, that you were important enough to be remembered, that you both were once close enough to have memories that fit neatly like puzzle pieces.

Unexpected visits like this (to deliver koi and a hug) make me feel that I'm loved and blessed; that nothing can go wrong as long as we're together.

Maybe

Maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe everything was fated from the start.

This

I want to leap out of my chair and sing off-key at the top of my voice and walk under the rain without an umbrella and sit by somewhere quiet with only my thoughts in my head. I want to buy a bus ticket and take off on the impulse (I will take you along if you want); I want to sit by the beach all night waiting for the sun to rise; I want to sit on a roller coaster again and relish the feeling of zooming past everything with my heart in my throat and my hair flying behind me. I want to shop till I drop. I want to feel alive, I want to feel anything but this.

The gift of language is the single human trait that marks us all genetically, setting us apart from the rest of life.
Lewis Thomas, The Lives Of A Cell

I woke up thinking, "Is this a dream or my imagination?"

Five and a quarter

:>>>>

Just think happy thoughts

No matter what happens, 'just think happy thoughts', find a confidante (I found mine) and everything will turn out fine.

The sky today was a brilliant blue which was comparable to the one I saw at Disneyland. It spoke of wonders and miracles; of fairy tales and happy endings. It gives me a semblance of hope, of calm and of happiness - something I've been trying hard to find and define.

Old songs do wonders for the soul

100% happy

It can never happen because - Happiness is infinite (or able to go to infinity) and not something that can be quantified as there is no way of measuring happiness; there is no unit that can sufficiently measure or represent the amount of happiness felt by a particular individual. Putting a value (100%) on happiness implies that a finite value can be used to represent something that goes to infinity, which is pretty much impossible.

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On a sidenote, I sometimes imagine happiness to be warm, golden light inside of me which is so overwhelming that I burst and there will be thousands or even millions of bright, golden specks of light particles scattered in the air. (E = mc squared)

New Year's Resolutions 2011

To have more courage for braving the unknown
To have a bigger heart to give and receive
To love, without regrets and second thoughts
To have more faith for believing