Some words, some feelings, have to be buried deep deep inside

I think too much about happiness and unhappiness and how they coexist and inevitably merge. How someone worth keeping is one who is willing to go through this with you - happiness sadness anger euphoria. I googled what 'euphoria' is and it seems like a highly unlikely human emotion, well at least to me

We're all lonely for something we don't know what we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?
David Foster Wallace

Three birthday parties in two weeks - am glad that there is none left this month, and for the months of April and May. It's somewhat awkward to see people I (used to) know, and not knowing what to do with them because they flit out of my life as fast as they flitted in; but it was nice seeing them again, all grown up after shedding the dreadful uniform. The best part was having fun talking gossiping going crazy with my crazy friends :>

I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore I will not let those words hurt me anymore

//I think it's very foolish of me to give myself away to a person who does not think I'm deserving of the best from him. How can this be love when you do not want to try your hardest, fight furiously and give everything but instead think of protecting yourself from me all the time? I am trying and I am tired.

Those words always hurt, no matter how many times you have said them

We are just buying time

I am broken pieces unable to be reconciled and they no longer fit and crumble at the slightest touch. I am looking in from the outside and you are brimming with completeness and I just do not fit inside of you and you make space but it does not work anymore. You are shining and brilliant like the brightest star in the sky and I dim beside you and you can't see me. I try to pick pieces left behind and they prick and hurt me and that's all I have right now and maybe this is the way it is

Like floating bubbles they are so hard to grasp and they pop and burst in your palms; they come and engulf you in a shock of emotion then leave when you gasp for air. They are the smell of coffee when you're upset and the touch of someone and the feeling of rain on skin and the blistering glare of the sun. They bind us together all of us and where will we be, who will we be when memories are no longer there to tie us down to each other.

Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

Exhausted - in a way which weighs down my whole self and fogs up my mind and I can't see clearly anymore

//Yesterday was a jumble of good food and laughter and fitting together in a way only old friends can. Thank you (JJM) for the great company.

I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasures of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I'm in love with you.

The Fault in our Stars by John Green

Late night bus rides

I'm so scared that I can't make you happy enough, and you'll leave me again. I'm so scared of caring too much, or making you mine again, because I'm afraid of chasing you away. Do you know this feeling, this happiness when I'm with you but this reluctance to let you go, because I'll never know when you're only pretending that everything is okay, that you're happy, but you'll leave me out of the blue again, just like that previous time. Do you know this fear of losing you is so immense, I'm willing to cut up myself just to make you happy, until all that's left are broken pieces of myself I don't recognise anymore? That's how I'm feeling right now. You said that you're confused, but do you know that I can see your love for me as clear as day?

This fear of losing you is so overpowering, that I don't really know how to be myself anymore.

Where does a thought go when it's forgotten?
Sigmund Freud

I've honestly thought about this question before, or rather, where do thoughts come from? But I haven't found an answer up till now.

//

I'm still feeling scared now though. When I think about you leaving I get this sinking feeling and my chest feels suffocated and it's painful.

Truce?

You were my best friend and my love. In a sense, you were my greatest freedom. Thoughts, actions, words, I don't have to pretend in front of you. That is why, pretending that everything is fine just doesn't sound right. I want to cry and laugh and talk through our problems in complete honesty with you; I want to have you by my side to tell me that everything is okay when we fight, and hug me when I'm feeling lost like now. I want you by my side now. Truce?

Be brave/ stay strong/ don't be afraid

In a way, I've slowly learned how to live with this pain. It is a part of me now, and I can be happy too

Too late

I regret not cherishing us enough when we were together, and taking your love for granted. I regret flaring up over every small thing, and always assuming that you will be here for me no matter what. I regret not holding on tightly enough, when you gave me so many second chances. I regret feeling jealous, and possessive and hateful, and most of all I regret distrusting you, giving you so much hurt. If I could turn back time, I will trust you with the whole of myself like you trusted me. But I do not regret giving my heart and my love to you. I do not regret all the time spent with you, all the effort it takes to stay together. I do not regret all the smiles and tears, and I don't regret we were once so close, but so far now. I still miss you and I don't want to give up on us, but I think it's time to move on.

A song, a picture, that smell - it takes so little to break down the walls I've built. So many memories, I'm so scared of forgetting and being forgotten.

Liar

I am lonely and I am tired (of waiting?). Last night I thought I finally found closure - I've finally accepted this state of things and I kept myself busy and I refused to think about you. However, all that suppressed emotions came rushing back once I was alone.

Stop thinking too much

Carry on with life, carry you in my heart until the day we're ready

Just stop

March is here

Nowadays I can feel your presence in everything I do, everywhere I go. It's this kind of closeness that I've lost someway along our past, and now that it's back I don't know what to do. I guess it's a kind of comfort.