There's this constant ache in my chest which I feel whenever I think about you, us. It breaks me down and I lose all functionality. I think of nothing except you, us and what could have been. But this love I have for you, I'm going to learn to keep it deep down in my heart. Pain level 6 now

I only ask for the strength to carry on, and for a heart brave enough to accept what may come

Some feelings you keep in a box deep inside because there are no words left for them. I hate this disappointing, sinking feeling I keep having. I'm the one at fault this time, and me saying sorry a million times won't change things. I don't want to be angry or upset at you anymore. But I don't know why

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart

I hope this will work out

Pain level 8

The tears came fast this morning, when I awoke suddenly from sleep and immediately thought of you - whom I could call up on insomniac nights and whom I thought of before I slept and after I woke. I guess I am still in denial, and feeling numb, except for the gaping hole where my heart used to be. Maybe this is the only way to save yourself, and you can do whatever makes you happy. I'm sorry you had to give up on us this way.

You

To you, who had been so kindly to me:

I'm sorry for our future, once so vivid in our heads, no unable to take form. I'm sorry for my heart, that even I had loved you so hard and so fiercely, you kept running away from me. I'm sorry for not being the one that you expected, when you first fell for me. I'm sorry for myself, who woke up at 4 am thinking of you and crying so hard that I can't open my eyes. Most of all, I'm sorry for me, who lost her best friend and person she loved most in the world. I'm sorry that I can't make you stay, no matter how hard I beg you. But thank you for this life lesson, for teaching me to guard my heart again, and never let it get beaten and bruised. Thank you for your love, and for being kind and patient towards me. Thank you for making happy the past seventeen months, and for letting me know there is much to learn in growing up.

If anybody is reading this, please direct him here, for this is what I want to very much tell him, but no longer have the courage to do so. And yes, loss tastes like salt, and of mucus and this gaping hole in your heart when you realize once again, you're alone on this vast world when once you were part of a pair.

I draw your face out from the faces of strangers everywhere I go; is this love I wonder?

Plans in action

It's good to make plans that you can look forward to. I know it's a good six months away but I can't help feeling all excited at the thought of it. It will help me through awful mornings and crazy days and tired nights like these.