It's hard to believe that we're all under the same sky no matter where we go, where we are.

BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK

This year, I have - met new people and made new friends (surprising considering my lack of social skills), attempted to live life to the fullest but seemingly failed, tried clubbing and eating supper at 2 am and sitting in front of the sun for an hour just to catch the sunset, opening my heart and risking disappointment, flew kites, changed my priorities and takes on life school people, fought for my freedom, thought a lot less and leapt before thinking, studied in school before finals [never thought it would work] "huh what is entropy" "die die die", baked a cake (TY SH HAHA), passed my grade 8 and the subsequent degradation of my practical skills, learnt to do lab properly,

So many first times but definitely not the last :>

TH - thank you thank you and thank you

From heaven to hell in a matter of minutes / I just need someone kind enough to tell me - I am here, you are not alone

I can't wait till tomorrow I can't wait till tomorrow I can't wait till tomorrow :>

Yesterday: Cathay screwed up during Rapunzel and we got a full refund + free tickets (Y) Am spending the days clearing old stuff, packing my room, wardrobe etc and going out. I think I've used up the entire month's allowance in like what, two weeks?

I have this sudden urge to go out there to see the world and screw any restrictions tying me down here in my little prison called home. The adventure from yesterday [cycling from ECP to my house and back] is definitely an improvement from staying home all holidays watching shows to pass the time or doing mindless shopping. I'm currently very sick of my life.

xoxo

Koi cafe delivery !! Am extremely touched ^.^

Chemistry

Despite everything that I've said about changing majors and me not being a science person, I actually like what I'm doing (though like is somewhat a fuzzy term to describe it and pales in comparison with passion and love and obsession). Over a year ago when I was studying for my prelims, I've come to realize that chemistry is something that I can like and bear and do everyday. It's a road that I've chosen when I could have chosen literature or journalism, and deep down, I probably know it myself that in the end I would have chosen it anyway. I've had a hundred doubts about it but as Janice has said in my birthday note, I should not harbour regrets and look forward and ignore my irritating thoughts about chemistry having no future for me.

Years ago, I have dreamt of becoming a writer or (ah, the absurdity) even a lawyer, but it was not writing that I like but rather the idea of putting dreams and images and colours into words that run perfectly together. But I lacked the ability to put the simplest thoughts into words so how could I be a good writer? I had always thought that I had no talent, since you could feel it in your bones and running through your blood if you had one. Doing that particular 'thing' would be as natural as breathing or eating. I suppose even if I had none I could still blend in with all the average people in the world.

This is a note to remind myself that should anything happen in the future, chemistry is something that I've chosen and loved and I should grit my teeth and carry on.

On a sidenote, I'm having this weird craving for koi cafe's ai-yu iced tea which I just had close to three hours ago-

1. Finals will be here in a week, I guess I'm paying for all the time I've been yakking away to SH in lectures and skipping tutorials and brushing aside what I don't understand. Well, ___________

2. I'd do anything to buy more time.

3. I seem to be hungry most of the time. And I seem to be suffocating most of the time, now that it's study break.

4. Love is not what I expect it to be.

Certain feelings once lost, will never be found again

November

I love rainy nights like this: when I can stand at the window and breathe in the rain and just feel I'm living in the present and living for this moment instead of the past future next x days. I could stand at the window like this forever (but we all know that forever doesn't exist, only a moment in time does).

After awhile, you stop trying so hard

Ignore once but can you ignore forever?

Reading The Alchemist for the third time in the hope that I can find the answers I'm looking for. Spent the afternoon revisiting Mozart, part stumbling over the keys and part reveling in the fact that I could once play those sonatas. It's nice to have my Saturdays to myself again (Y)

Not going to break the promise of not setting any expectations for myself this year. It is nice floating in this haze not knowing what I'm doing yet feeling calm... Until reality sets in that is.

Maybe maybe maybe

Past and present collide

INABILITY TO FOCUS / AIM-LESS

“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly, but the love of a free man is never safe. There is no gift for the beloved. The lover alone possesses his gift of love.”
The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

I don't know why but there's a lot of things that I no longer care for (like getting good grades, people, etc) and it's getting scary. Sometimes I wonder if I should make the effort to start caring again, but it would only lead to disappointment no?

I think I'm a selfish person; I don't like it when something belonging to me gets taken away, I don't like sharing

I love feeling 'high' after a few drinks: it makes you feel like you can fly without falling, laugh without inhibitions. The world is a blur, reality is nothing but a joke. Expectations are forgotten, ignored, safely at the back of your mind. What is real indeed? Then you crash back to reality. Like all other falls, there is nothing but pain and shock.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing anymore

There is something about meeting people whom I haven't seen for a long time that makes me happy (and sometimes excited). Maybe I crave for the stability that the past offers and the present seem to lack.

Debt

Helplessness is a feeling that I dread and try my best to avoid.
Where has all the time for me to borrow gone to?

These days

Saturday: Inception, sleepover. Some dreams are so real that if you do not force yourself to wake up, you might stay 'in limbo' forever.

Sunday: Sleepover continues. When you come down to it, we are all truly alone.

Monday: Met up with MH before she flies off. There are different sides of yourself which you will reveal to different people. The people worth meeting are those who bring out the side in yourself which you like most. I forgot how simple the world is, really.

Doomsday is 26th August

Where do rainbows end and begin?

Lunch @ Society Cafe, Bishi Bashi Champ and drums, Margaritas at Dempsey Hill, one pitcher of margarita (best I ever tasted) plus tortilla chips large chicken wrap potato wedges, two pints of b&j, sitting at a deserted bus stop clearing one pint in five minutes then moving to macs for round two, large fries, the dry ice experiment

Round two soon - jas's birthday next!

Glee

Quinn: Did you love me?
Puck: Yes, especially now.

In your head, you can imagine how the piece will sound. The fingers move; the notes are spot on, the dynamics reflect exactly the ones on paper, the speed precise. But there is always something lacking; the music does not come from within. There is no way you can teach someone how to feel.

Contentment: Eating a tub of strawberry sorbet and watching Glee

TY JJM for giving me the best birthday present, ever. I love it when we are all together, I love it that we are each other's drug (as J put it).

"When you showed someone how you felt, it was fresh and honest. When you told someone how you felt, there might be nothing behind the words but habit or expectation. Those three words were what everyone used; simple syllables couldn't contain someting as rare as what I felt for Sean."
Handle With Care

Walking in the dark at midnight

There are some moments which are so precious and close to the heart that you will want to keep them safe, keep them nearby, so that you can take them out to relive those moments, those emotions, anytime. I need a time machine.

If there isn't hope, there won't be any disappointments

A part of me wishes that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and go to work and resume what I've been doing for the last three months, instead of heading off to a week-long camp.

The word I hate most in the world is 'sorry'

"It was one of those moments that you want to wrap up in cotton wool and keep in a safe place forever."

Goodbye MSIG

June 15th was a good day because we all ate lunch together for once, and I realised the only things I will miss will be the people, and Lunch Hour, and maybe Travellershield. I like it that we have gotten used to seeing each other everyday, and as a result we are at ease with each other. This has become a routine, such that I don't realise how I will miss everyone, everything, until the final moment.

Today is a good day because we went for lunch 15 minutes early, and we left for home 10 minutes early.

Just like old times

I love the comfortable silence that settles around two persons who have known each other for too long, too well.

Sometimes I stand in a crowd and feel lost, invisible, like everyone I don't know can see through me and my existence is insignificant, negligible. And then I wonder, what happens when everyone who knows me disappear? Will I cease to exist along with them, when there is nobody left to acknowledge my existence?

Beauty of the dark

"I dream of dreaming dreams of you But nightmares always block the view"

Late night shopping, taking the last train home, walking along the empty street under the starless night, feeling like the only person left in this world

Our paths cross only to diverge again

I can't believe this

Today's escapade to the esplanade: live performance (solitude was my favourite and you don't have to be Bach or Mozart to compose), Makansutra, the walk down the riverside that was never complete. Janis stepped on my sandal, the strap broke, we went down to gwen's shop to scotchtape it, holding the strap in place. I'm recording it down so I can use it to make J feel guilty when she pisses me off in the future.

BLOODY MOZZIES AT MY WORKPLACE

Point Of No Return and disbelief, frustration, calm
The nth wrong choice
"The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn"

April

Not my favourite month but it is certainly an improvement from March. May June July August I am not going to allow myself to think of the future. It is tiring constantly reminding myself that I have to live in the moment and not waste time, regret, look back with only why?

I am starting to have more faith in people. I type and delete trying to turn my thoughts into coherent sentences and I give up

Suddenly,

I miss: listening to a language I do not understand, walking out in the cold, waking up every morning not knowing what to expect, eating homemade tako yaki and yakisoba, my vocabulary being limited to いっぱい　and　寒い and other simple words.

When How Maybe

One day,

One day, I might try taking the last train home and sitting on the empty platform when everyone else has left.

I think my eyesight is getting worse than it already is; I have developed a love for surfing the net in the dark.

Who is Natalie? Are Leonard's memories real? Or do they belong to someone else? Who is Teddy, really?

My favourite paragraph in the world

"First, there was the earth without anything alive on it. For billions of years this ball was spinning with its sunsets and its waves and the sea and the noises, and there was no thing alive to appreciate it. Can you conceive, can you appreciate or fit into your ideas what can be the meaning of a world without a living thing on it? We are so used to looking at the world from the point of view of living things that we cannot understand what it means not to be alive, and yet most of the time the world had nothing alive on it." - Feynman

TY Janis for: Where do immaterial things (memories, sounds) go after they are lost? / How do you define 'here'?

Lately life has been work piano sleep on repeat mode and it's time to change to a different tune but where has the stop button gone to

My favourite scale is C# minor and I really hate F# minor

Out of sorts
In the dark, here, now. There is nowhere else I'd rather be.

I like songs starting with R

I always find it hard to memorise a tune, because the notes once played, evaporate into the air and vanish into nothing.

Bursting

This is one of the moments where there is too much noise inside and outside my head and my head is spinning and I cannot hear myself think; there is too much information to grasp too many things to do too many choices to make that all I want to do right now is to shut everyone out and live inside my own head

I like Friday nights. They are filled with anticipation and possibilities and most importantly they are not clouded by regret. I feel eager to get to tomorrow.

An old, recurring thought: close your eyes and you get infinity.

It's amazing how the telephone numbers and the names that become a jumbled mess of numbers and letters in my eyes actually mean something to someone out there.

If only

Happiness for sale

Love Taught Me To Drink

Decided

Yesterday: NTU & NUS Open House, seeing familiar faces, failed quotas (disappointing), PGPR for lunch, visiting exhibitions, LX's cool army specs, Munchie Monkeys (!), falling asleep during origami session at MM, running through the rain, M's present, Kenny Rogers, yakking with J for more than 12 hours.

*

Quote of the day: Everyone ends up as a banker - LX

*

I think I may watch EOE from next week onwards, DC and YR are finally together!

L

Had dinner with EKC today. Our L reunion, at long last. ^^

Today I felt better, because The Mother is finally on my side. I will win this battle. By the way, Telephone MV is out but I cannot watch it. Mio connection sucks and nobody should use it.

Escapade

Today I was forced to face all my problems. There is no running away. All along I was being a coward. My world has been turned upside down; I don’t know what to do. The Mother has jumped ship, I cannot believe she would do that to me. I spent an hour sitting in the park talking to J, thinking through life, being immersed in the dark. I love sitting in the dark, or being out at night. Nightfall brings with it nostalgia, regret for what could have been, expectations for what is to come.

I hate it when people usually expect so much from me and just at the point when I need them to trust and believe in me, they usually don’t. People disappoint.

Everyone has been forcing me to quit my job and concentrate on piano. There is no way. What right do they have to make decisions for me? I always equate working with freedom. If I lose my job, I lose my freedom. Money represents freedom, working represents freedom. I feel trapped, I feel as though I can never get freedom no matter how hard I try. I want exposure; I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be a sheltered person. I don’t want to be the person I used to be. I didn’t like her.

I’m very incoherent now. I have lots to thing about. TY J for lending me your support and answering my calls. (Not everyone I know answers their phone ha-ha)

I’m going to be firm this time.

Over

Am going to do Chemistry. But where?

K for yesterday and today and tomorrow. Yesterday was my last day of work at Starhub - definitely going to miss the people and the food, but not the job. No more rude and irritating Singaporeans demanding what they think they can easily get, but what we cannot give. The government should seriously rethink the entire education system. Maybe more emphasis on social grace?

The past two months have taught me a lot. I want to believe that I have grown up, even a little will do. ECK said that we will all move on with life and forget each other, but I do hope that we will keep in touch.

Change

Contented with the status of my life right now. There's this nice balance to it: work, drums, piano, going out on most weekends and slacking the rest of the time. There's a pattern that I have gotten used to. Days, though monotonous, are predictable and this gives me some form of security. I can't imagine what Friday will bring, how it will upset this balance and the consequences I have to face. I'm going to block everything out right now.

Change is inevitable; change is constant.

Ignorance

"A human lifetime is 80 years long on average. A person imagines and organizes his life with that span in mind. What I have just said everyone knows, but only rarely do we realize that the number of years granted us is not merely a quantitative fact, an external feature (like nose length or eye colour), but is part of the very definition of the human. A person who might live, with all his faculties, twice as long, say 160 years, would not belong to our species. Nothing about his life would be like our – not love, or ambitions, or feelings, or nostalgia; nothing."

The Mirror of Time

Yesterday: The Mirror of Time, anti-abortion, being caught for taking illegal photogaphs, having bodyguards as a result, deleted photographs, nasi lemak, IMM, HK cafe, shopping, the supposed long journey home. When we strip away the layers everyone is the same, no? Is a fetus considered living? If so, why aren't those who abort charged for murder?

*

I have been having random thoughts this whole week: Mathematics is full of patterns, that must be how formulas are derived and miraculously they are able to fit into any problem; when someone is missing, does it mean that nobody can find him, or simply that he cannot find himself; there is a limit to the extent that you can know someone; lost and found, found and lost.

I would kill to have a bento set in my hands now.

Today

I feel happy with my life right now. I feel that I'm smiling more than I ever did. Did I smile often in the past? Somebody have to give me the answer to that. Maybe it's the freedom that I never used to have, or that I no longer have to feel guilty for every minute I stop to rest and every time I think of breaking free.

Happy birthday Dearie.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to run away and curl up in a corner and block out faces, sounds, strangers. I just want to hear myself think. I want to be surrounded by familiarity. Sometimes the opposite happens.

Now

Drums lessons are not what I expected. My right hand is totally useless. Work is getting monotonous, I think I'm getting used to it - the screaming customers, talking to strangers, smiling. There's somebody at work I find very funny, I'm glad he got the same shift as me. I think I'm actually growing up - there's a lot of things that I view differently now.

New Year's Resolutions

I will be a nicer person.
I will be a more polite person.
I will be a more sociable person.
I will be a more mature person.
I will be a person I like.