Escapade

Today I was forced to face all my problems. There is no running away. All along I was being a coward. My world has been turned upside down; I don’t know what to do. The Mother has jumped ship, I cannot believe she would do that to me. I spent an hour sitting in the park talking to J, thinking through life, being immersed in the dark. I love sitting in the dark, or being out at night. Nightfall brings with it nostalgia, regret for what could have been, expectations for what is to come.

I hate it when people usually expect so much from me and just at the point when I need them to trust and believe in me, they usually don’t. People disappoint.

Everyone has been forcing me to quit my job and concentrate on piano. There is no way. What right do they have to make decisions for me? I always equate working with freedom. If I lose my job, I lose my freedom. Money represents freedom, working represents freedom. I feel trapped, I feel as though I can never get freedom no matter how hard I try. I want exposure; I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be a sheltered person. I don’t want to be the person I used to be. I didn’t like her.

I’m very incoherent now. I have lots to thing about. TY J for lending me your support and answering my calls. (Not everyone I know answers their phone ha-ha)

I’m going to be firm this time.